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Wilson's Thyroid Syndrome
Do you know why you feel bad all the time? You can buy the book and the natural thyroid at our office. In the meantime visit Dr. Wilson's site for more information.


Please visit The Colon Therapists Network
International Association for Colon Hydrotherapy
for a colon therapist in your area.

Looking for a holistic practitioner or anything holistic?
Go to
Holistic Wellness
 Health directory
and healthy information. logo


@LA: The Guide to Greater Los Angeles and Southern California




Jokes and funny sayings J

Please visit often. We are adding new jokes each week.

Newest jokes on bottom
of course, its always the bottom


See the Scrubs tv show video
Everything Comes Down to Poo


Laughter is the best medicine.

HMO does not pay for enemas


The Official Poopie List

GHOST POOPIE - The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.

CLEAN POOPIE - The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the paper.

WET POOPIE - The kind where you wipe your bottom 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your bottom and your underwear so you won't ruin them with a stain.

SECOND WAVE POOPIE - It happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees and then realize that  you have to poopie some more.

POP A VEIN IN YOUR FOREHEAD POOPIE - The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.

RICHARD SIMMONS POOPIE - You poopie so much, you lose 30 pounds.

LINCOLN LOG POOPIE - The kind of poopie that is so huge, you're afraid to flush it without breaking it into small pieces with the toilet brush.

SASSEY POOPIE - It is so noisy, everyone within ear shot is giggling.

DRINKER POOPIE - The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. Its most noticeable trait is the tread marks on the bottom of the toilet.

WET CHEEKS POOPIE (alias the "Power Dump" ) - It's the kind that comes out of your bottom so fast, your bottom gets splashed with water.

GEE, I WISH I COULD POOPIE, POOPIE - It's the kind where you want to poopie, but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart.

SPINAL TAP POOPIE - That's where it hurts so bad coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.

LIQUID POOPIE - The kind where yellowish brown shoots out your bottom and splatters all over the toilet bowl.

UPPER CLASS POOPIE - The kind that thinks their poop doesn't smell.

FISHERMAN'S BOBBER POOPIE - That's the kind where you are in a public restroom, and there are several people waiting on your stall. You flush two times, but several golf ball size pieces keep floating to the surface.



Why I'm Tired

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep,
too much pressure from my job, earwax buildup, poor blood, but now I found out the real reason:
We're tired because we're overworked. Here's why:
The population of this country is 273 million.
140 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces.
Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for state and city governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals,
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do all the work.
You and me... and you're sitting on your ass, at your computer, reading jokes.


NOT SO LOUD! Be careful how loud you talk!!!!

An older gentleman had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. He approached the receptionist desk. The receptionist was a large imposing woman who looked like a wrestler. He gave her his name. In a VERY LOUD VOICE the receptionist said,


All of the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly though, and in an equally loud voice replied,





A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet .

He said, "I'm doing, some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She said, "Yes, my husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken aback. He said, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."



Why Dogs Sniff Each Other

The dogs they had a meeting,

they came from near and far,

some they came by Greyhound bus,

while others came by car.


Before, inside the meeting,

they were allowed to take a look,

they had to take their asses off,

and hang 'em on a hook.


Once inside the meeting,

every mother, son and sire,

some dirty Doberman Pinscher,

began to holler, "Fire!"


They all rushed out, all in a bunch,

they didn't have time to look,

to see which ass belonged to whom,

as they grabbed one off a hook.


They got their asses all mixed up,

it really made them sore,

to have to wear an ass,

that they had never worn before.


And that's the reason why a dog,

will leave a juicy bone,

to go and sniff another's ass,

to see if its his own.


unknown author, c 1963



The Golfer

While playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, a man became confused as to where he was on the course.  Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

"I'm on the 7th hole," she replied, "and you are a hole behind me. So you must be on the 6th hole."  He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request. "I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the 13th hole." Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, "let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?

"I'll tell you, but you'd laugh," she replied.

"No, I won't," he promised.

"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."

With that, he laughed so hard he almost fell off the bar stool.

"See," she said, "I knew you'd laugh!"

"That's not why I'm laughing," he replied, "I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm ""still"" a hole behind you."



Two Sides To Every Story

Her Side of the Story:

He was in an odd mood Sunday night. We planned to meet in a bar for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls, so I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised, but he didn't say anything much about it. I don't remember doing anything to make him upset, but could tell there was something wrong. The conversation was quite slow going, so I thought we should go off to some place intimate to talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was still acting a bit funny. I was getting really worried. What did I do? What was bothering him? Was he mad at me? I tried to cheer him up.

Was it me or something else? I asked him if he was upset with me, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure. In the car on the way home I said that I loved him deeply, and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what that meant because he didn't say it back or anything.

We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me! So I tried to get him to talk, but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to bed. Then after about 10 minutes he joined me, and, to my surprise, we made love. But he still seemed really distracted, so afterward I just wanted to comfort him, but instead I just cried myself to sleep. I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think he's seeing someone else.

His Side of the Story:

Played badly today-shot 87-can't putt. Felt kinda tired. Got laid though.




A man fell asleep on the beach under the noon day sun and suffered a severe sunburn to his legs. He was taken to the hospital where his skin had turned bright red, was painful and had started to blister. Anything that touched his legs caused agony. The doctor prescribed continued intravenous feedings of water and electrolytes, a mild sedative and Viagra.

Rather astounded, the nurse inquired, "What good will Viagra do him in his condition?"

The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheet off his legs."




You will never look at a cup of coffee the same way again.....

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to a boil. In the first, she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil, without saying a word. In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me, what do you see?"

"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied.

She brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. She then asked her to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg. Finally, she asked her to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked. "What does it mean, mother?"

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity - boiling water - but each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior. But, after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water. "Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?"

Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity, do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength? Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart? Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?



Sperm Count

An 83 year old man went to the doctor for a physical. The doctor pronounced him in fine shape but the old man asked to have a sperm count done.

"I don't think that's necessary," said the doctor, but the old man insisted so the doctor gave him an empty bottle and instructed him to fill it up and bring it back the following day.

The next day the old man returns with an empty bottle. "What happened?" asked the doctor. "Well," the old man said, "I tried with my right hand, I tried with my left hand, my wife tried with her right hand, she tried with her left hand, she tried with her teeth in, she tried with her teeth out..."

"We never could get the damn lid off the bottle!"




Almost 150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private investigator,  Alan Pinkerton, for protection. That was the beginning of the Secret Service.

Since that time, federal police authority has grown to a large number of multi-letter agencies - FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, etc.

Now comes the "Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service."

Can't you see them now, these highly trained men and women in their black outfits with their initials in large white letters across their backs:


I feel safer already



Raisin Bread
A general store owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or general lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. I'd like some raisin bread please, the man says politely.
The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would. Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves as he is having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what was going on.
Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.
After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself. Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin too?"
" No," croaks the old man, "but it's a quiverin'."



Circle Flies

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies".
So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?"
The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass."
The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."



What Men Want

A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.

Oh, wait, you misread it...
please only read lines 1, 3 and 5.



The Miracle of Toilet Paper 

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion: "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I ask. "They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies. I stop. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"  Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?" He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again.





As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the survival guide for taking a dump at the office.


CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.


FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.


ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.


JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.


COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.


WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be minimized with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.


OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.


SAFE HAVENS: A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a same-sex pooper entering your bathroom.


TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.


CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.


ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.


WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.


HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.


UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.




Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects
the Eyeball to the Anus?

It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life.

If you don't believe it, try to pull a hair from your ass and see if
it doesn't bring a tear to your eye.





A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?

Old lady, Maxine, quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

Don't you just love little old ladies????



A Plumber with a sense of humor

Plumber with a Sense of Humor

click on picture to enlarge, opens in new window



Now, I think this makes more sense.


The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.
I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time.
What do you get in the end of it? A death.
What's that, a bonus?

I think the life cycle is all backwards.

(1) You should die first, you know, start out dead,
get it out of the way. You wake up in a an old age
home, feeling better every day.

2) You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect
your pension, then, when you start work, you get a
gold watch on your first day.

3) You work 40 years until you're young enough to
enjoy your retirement. You drink alcohol, you party,
you're generally promiscuous (hey, you've only got
a few years left, what's the big deal?!?) and you
get ready for High School.

4) Then you go to primary school, you become a kid,
you play, you have no responsibilities, and, finally,
you become a baby.

5) The last step, you spend your last 9 months floating
peacefully with luxuries like central heating, spa,
room service on tap, larger quarters everyday, and

You finish off as an orgasm!



Butt Hurting Easter Bunny joke



Flower Show

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local
Town hall where a flower show was in progress.

The thin one leaned over and said, "Life is so darned boring. We never
have any fun any more. For $5.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak
through that stupid Flower show!"

"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.

The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes And,
completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through The
front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the Hall,
followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.

The smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded By
a cheering crowd.

"What happened?" asked her waiting friend?"

"I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement!"



I LOVE MY JOB.......

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana.
He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.
Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea, heats it to a delightful temperature, then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit.  This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much
worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

Now repeat to yourself,  "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job."
Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?

May you NEVER have a jelly fish bad day


Prayers in Church

"Dear Lord," the preacher began with arms extended and a rapturous
look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."

He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient
little girl (who was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother and
asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, WHAT is
butt dust?"

Church was pretty much over at that point.



Water Mister

The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of a thunderstorm and the smell of fresh rain.

When you go by the bread section, the scent of fresh baked bread fills the area.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and enjoy the scent of fresh butter.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of eggs frying.

So far I have been too afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle.




We all know those little computer symbols called "emoticons," where:
:) means a smile and :( is a frown.
Sometimes these are represented by
:-) :-(

Well, how about some "ASSICONS?"

(_!_) a regular ass.

(__!__) a fat ass.

(!) a tight ass.

(_*_) a sore ass.

{_!_} a swishy ass.

(_o_) an ass that's been around.

(_x_) kiss my ass.

(_X_) leave my ass alone.

(_zzz_) a tired ass.

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass.

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass.

(_?_) Dumb Ass.



More to come soon.





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